Okay so, I'm not really a lost soul but recently I have found it hard to figure out who I am. I turned 18 in, March and things went down hill from there. I lost my consensual virginity. Read a previous story to figure out what I mean by that. Anyway, I lost my virginity to someone I don't love and I'm not even dating him. But he was a good person to lose it to. Experienced but no std potential. Smart and on my level of nerdiness. Didn't lead me on or anything. And I can see him being the type of person I settle down with. He's not perfect but I wasn't looking for perfection I was and am looking for compassion. It's a snippet of the story but I'm on a bus...that's good enough for now

So, it's been a while since I've written, mainly because my life has gone to hell. Not quite hell, but it's been very hell-like. Something that I won't talk about happened to me in February, and I hit a bit of a self destructive war path. I know looking back that I shouldn't have done what I did after that damned night I have decided to squash in my head. In the waking life, I can ignore it, pretend it never happened, then I dream about it. I'm still dealing with it, and for those of you that care to read this, I figure you all have an imagination. What else would destroy a 17 year old virgin? I'll never say it, it's my choice, it's my way of trying to defeat it.

So, where is my point? Well, let me tell you a story...

I'm 17 and was with this guy for ten months in February, in high school that's a big deal. I loved him, still do, part of me always will. I told him everything that happened and he stuck by me, was willing to work with me, and help me anyway he could. Well, his mother always hated me. She took his phone away 3 days before Valentine's day and I was never allowed to see him. And as dumb as it sounds texting was the only thing we had outside of school, and I was okay with that, for a while. March rolled around and something snapped in me. I lost a piece of who I was. Everything he did, or didn't do bothered the hell out of me. My birthday was Friday, March 18; my life went to hell Monday, March 11th. I was so lonely, and still couldn't get over what happened. The one thing I held sacred, I kept to myself, got removed from my life, I didn't care anymore. I just didn't. My boyfriends best friend, for all purposes, T, moved-in. Told me everything was going to be okay. And we had been talking, and you know what? I thought it was innocent, but no it wasn't. He had motives and I was dumb enough, or didn't care enough, to believe him.

March 11th, he invited me over, I told him I needed a friend and lied to my family and took off. Jumped through his bedroom window a little after 11. (I made sure my car was parked just before the Cinderella license issue). I took a pair of his basketball shorts to sleep in, because jeans weren't comfortable. Well, as I say, shit happens, life happens, and we act dumb. We started by watching some TV and I rolled over to get some sleep and he kept asking me what ifs, what if I kissed you? what if we made out? Stuff like that. Then he told me he had magic fingers. And rubbed his fingers through my hair. I knew he was a virgin and yes that let me feel safer thinking he wouldn't expect anything out of me. I was so wrong, he touched to the point where I couldn't say no. It was gentle, non-attacking, non-threatening. And my lonely self, the girl who hadn't been told she was loved in over a week, the one who thought her boyfriend was walking away from her. The girl who couldn't stand looking herself in the mirror, was being showed love. Was it the wrong kind of love? Yes. But did it make me feel special, even if just for that moment? Yes.

Did I give him everything? Hell no. I say we made it to third started running for home and ran back the other way. And I'm so glad we did. I would have never slept with him. I couldn't. I still couldn't, sex has always been something I've looked at as special. Other things I did I'm not proud of, never will be. Amazing thing I came clean, I told my boyfriend, everything that happened, how I felt abandoned, and used anyway so I didn't care. I felt that I was in a hopeless ditch and no one wanted to bail me out. We broke up, didn't act like it, we were still a couple. He forgave me, made more of an effort to tell me he loved me, he made an effort to put his arm around me. Of course, not until after he called me an unclassy whore and took my level of self hate below sea level. I hated what I did, I hated myself, still partially do. Then I was dumb enough to do it again and 2nd and 3rd time. Those I didn't tell him until after we broke up this last time. He yelled at me for everything and we just couldn't take the not being able to see each other thing, it killed me. And for my own sake I couldn't take it.

He never laid one finger on me (intentionally) but the mental abuse was horrible. I couldn't do it. We remain friends but that's all I could let it be. Will we ever be together? Maybe? I can't tell the future. Now on the next part of the story. We broke up mid-June. And I didn't want to date but everyone needs a rebound, right? I started talking more to this guy in my tecg class, N, and he admitted he always had a crush on me. He's such a good boy. He's going to be 18 in September and never even kissed a girl. He makes me laugh when we even talked just in class, and I knew he could keep me straight and make me happy, make me feel safe. And so we went out, he knew before hand what I did, he knew how bad I regretted it. He knew I hated myself over it. He knew it. Well, I gave our date my whole. And we had so much fun. About 3 hours after our date he told me he only wanted to be friends. He never texted me after that night. It's only been a couple days since that date. But the message is clear. He told me he couldn't accept what I did.

That hurt but you know what? I felt as if I deserved it, so I didn't really care. However, here's what inspired me to write. The event that took everything from bad to worse. The guy I cheated with, we have remained friends. Got to know each other better. Didn't mess around, didn't do anything but the occassional goodnight kiss, which in my family and with my friends is no big deal. He's been half and half me, half I like you I don't like you. And when we started hanging out he liked another girl. I grew ok with that. But then 2 days ago he flat out told me that he liked me and he didn't like anyone else. So, yesterday I pushed. I told him I couldn't hamdle this off and on stuff and needed to know one way or the other. He gave me my answer and told me that I opened a Pandora's box when I asked it. He told this, "The reason I can't date you is because of what I might do to you. okay? I feel like I'm just going to use you or we're going to date for a while and **** then me move on and I don't want to hurt you or do something you'd regret, ok? I feel like I'd turn you into your mom." Well, I knew he was trying to save face and make himself out to be the bad guy. So, I told him I wouldn't let the physical aspect get to that point. And he told me that I was a great girl and he wasn't a good guy. I told him that I didn't need perfect and all I knew is that I do like him. I told him a fresh slate could change a lot. Then this is the answer I got, "I'm not trying to be an asshole I just don't see us ending well together, ok? If we had started out differently you know? Just as friends then I'd gace asked you out a long time ago, ok? But that's not the case." I was so upset, I commented that I was still being punished for the same mistake, and I get this, "No, you're not being punished, ok? I'm just trying to explain how I feel...I can't start a relationship on that kind of note."

This killed me, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because we couldn't get over what I did. Then N wouldn't look at me knowing what I did. Now the other half, my Reverend Dimmesdale, won't even look at this Hester Prynne. And fine you don't want to date me, but why does that have to be your reason? Anything else to save face, anything, would have made me feel better than what I do right now.

I hate petty drama, but I've ended up in it. And I can't walk away.

For those of you that don't know a couple years back I'd have to say almost two years ago I did three weblogs. The Unkissed Virgin, The Unkissed Virgin 2, and The Kissed Virgin. I'm finally signing off the the "virgin" series. If I can even name it that. I talked about how in ninth grade I hadn't been kissed until April. It was the evolution about what I had been through being "the good girl." Now I do have to say that I am still a virgin, just to clarify, but I'm finally over caring. Now it's been a very long while since I've written, but I feel the need to vent, even if no one is there to read it, I need to let the words flow.

I met a boy last year. He was in my English class. He was the nerdy, quiet one, who would never talk in class but would get back all A's. He was this tall lanky thing, with arms that were way too long and a zit covered face. We had a mutual friend, and she didn't introduce us, but she talked about me to him and him to me, and at first we were just curious about who this kid was she was talking about. One day right before the bell I walked up to him, "Hey you know my friend Emily." He looked at me and glanced over the crazy wardrobe, "Yep". Who knew that a few months after that, he would be around the school store when I walked by and just as friends we would strike up random conversation while I worked or Emily worked and I was talking to her. Or I was just creeping by the school store, that I dedicated my soul to, and he'd be there. We became good friends. A little time rolled on. And in November, the day before Thanksgiving break I was freezing and asked him for his hoodie. And I sat there for the rest of class in his hoodie, thinking nothing of it. I handed him back his hoodie at the end of class and I could see the teacher give this smug look like she knew what would eventually transpire.

I had just gotten over a horrible relationship at the beginning of November with a complete psycho and wasn't really wanting to date. But I got suckered into it come early December. A friend wanted me to date him. And it lasted a whole month. I hated him, he was psycho and I couldn't deal with how obsessed he was. He accussed me of sleeping with my teacher, and flirting with the guys in my class (let me clarify out of a class of 20 I was the only girl, at that time). I always hung out with guys. And even after we broke up he wouldn't leave me alone. I avoided him and wiped away any connection he had with me, and eventually he let me go. Up to that point I had a thing for psychos. Then there was a boy in my programming class who flirted and wanted to talk and get to know me. We started dating and only lasted a month because I wouldn't put out, he cheated on me and I said that's it. I'm still friends with the one who cheated. I've forgiven him and occassionally wonder what it would have been like if I would have stayed with him. Any time I think like that I remember what he did do. Which I can never forget.

I was dating the hornball when I had my birthday party, and I invited the kid in my English class, and that was the night that I knew he was different. The way he acted made me realize that he was different. But I didn't put any thought into it.  I never put any thought into him liking my mixed CDs. I didn't think about how he acted around my little brother. The next week after my party went by and I got cheated on and walked away. Didn't care and I swore off dating. Up to this point mind you I had never had a real date. It was all in school dating and my birthday party with the hornball. I started to the kid in my English a little more via text messaging. And we were talking on a Sunday about the dreams we had the night before. We had had similar dreams. It was an intimate and romantic dream. And he asked me if I thought the dream was just sex or if it was love. And when I said love he said the same. Now I knew he was being sincere because of the way he acted the next day. The next day was 4-20 and there was a shooting threat at my school and we both went, not too many people were actually concerned.  And me and him were standing by the school store just teasing and we hugged onto each other. And our bodies did not mesh whatsoever. It was awkward and I got his chest in my face and it was horrible. But at that moment I think we both knew. We walked away and later that day, I was at home and he texted me and we started talking. I started telling him things that I didn't even tell my best friend. And he told me things I would never forget. And one of the last few things he said was that I was out of his league and that he could never get a girl like me. Then I told him that he asked me, he wouldn't be dissappointed. About a week went by. We did a project in English together where we had to present a modern day version of a scene from A Tale of Two Cities and we had to present Ch. 13 A Fellow of No Delicacy. Where Sydney Carton tells Lucy Manette that he is no good and even though he loves her he can never act on it and cause her to be unhappy. It was something about me denying him in our little skit, that broke my heart. That night we were teasing about how couples compare themselves to Romeo and Juliet and we hate that because you don't want your relationship to be that tragic. And we had fun making fun of it. The weekend went by and we texted off and on and talked off and on, and the conversations got deeper and more personal. Dreams, hopes, wishes, pet peeves, weaknesses. And it was a Monday and he almost asked me out. And he fell asleep. The next morning at 6:36, April 27th. He asked me out. It was othing serious at first and we made fun of other couples because they would be crawling on each other and me and him hated that. He took me out on my first date and wouldn't let me near my wallet. We laughed and talked and the song from the Lion King 2 came on where Kiara and Kovu are on the floating cloud, and we laughed at that. He walked me  in to my house and we were standing in my mud-room and almost kissed but we didn't. We talked about wanting to after the fact and we did about 3 weeks into our relationship.

It was a terrible kiss. We were standing by my locker and it was awkward, and didn't click. But it was sweet, and it wasn't forced on me like every other kiss that I had had up to that point. And the kisses got better and more "sparklike". And things were going great. We both said that we wouldn't be that couple to say I love you and to neither of our knowledge would just 5 short months later, "I love you" would become part of our dictionaries. And we'd be running from a man with a flashlight because we were kissing on a picinic table and showing minor PDA. We're ten months into our relationship and things aren't so good anymore. We only saw each other 3 times over the summer and 4 times out of school since school started. His mother doesn't like me. She calls me things like, "vindictive bitch", "unclassy whore", and tells me "I feel it is in Jonathan's best interest to have nothing to do with you." She recently took his phone so he could have no contact with me outside of school. Well, we still see each other in school and he texts me from his friends' phones and we write notes and keep in contact. Point is, I've found one that's worth risking everything for.

This is a list of things that my mother has told me, that no parent should ever tell their children...ever!

1) I lost my virginity on your grandma's birthday when I was fifteen

2) Oral sex is salty

3) You were a broken condom

4) They wouldn't let me abort you

5) I have an abortion about six months after you were born, the birth control hadn't been in my system long enough yet

6) I need to go to Adult-Mart

7) *child walks into bedroom* You're lucky I wasn't masturbating

8) I don't care if you sext you'd be touching yourself and he'd be touching himself

9) I can't find my toy

10) *child empties all of parent's belongings into garage after fight, two days later* Your broke it, you owe me a vibrator

11) I'm meeting up with Bob it's a 23 minute drive there a 2 minute visit and a 23 minute drive back, see you in 48

12) I broke this dude's thing once

13) I wonder if I could learn to squirt

14) I keep of track of all the guys I've been with, I can name them all....

15) You're teacher is so hot, I'd screw him...he's gay...I'd turn him straight

16) I'm gonna need a pad cause I'm gonna get wet

17) You ever have to piss so bad that when you do it's orgasmic

18) *filing out paperwork for my gynecology appointment, when I was 12* You're still a virgin right?

19) I get bored just using my fingers

20) Go get laid you'll be easier to deal with

21) I think I should make him use a condom

22) He's just a friend with benefits

23) I haven't gotten screwed in two weeks

24) Can you see my peircing through these jeans?

25) I need some money for a motel room, you got some?

26) Car sex is no awkward and cramped, unless the back seats can lay down

27) He was staring at your non-exsistent chest

28) I don't have money for dinner can you dig something up

29) Do you know where your brother went, I can't find him

30) I've been with a woman, it wasn't fun though, but don't knock it til you try it

These are things that mty mother has said to me that made me either cringe, smack my forehead with my hand, or want to gag....parents avoid these sentences and anytthing similar, because I can go forever with this list

Okay so I'm sixteen and it's no big deal for a sixteen year old to get a job, right? A lot of people do. However, school is my life and I'm afraid that when school comes around a real job will interfere with my work. I mean I do odd ball stuff like babysitting, but no long term commitment. So if I'm so worried why am I still getting a job? I have to because my mom lost hers. Awesome right? She didn't show up while on probabation for mouthing off. So she got fired. She's looking for another job but it won't be as good as what she had. So now I have to go get a job to help out. That's why I'm angry, my money won't be my money...