Weblog

Thursday, 09 July 2009

  • I Will Not Back Down

    To start this out I know that I may not have the easiest life but I also don't have to horrible either. I'm a very secluded person and only tell a few select people that I see daily, or talk to daily, my problems. I keep to myself and express myself better in writing then in words. I have been struggling with my sexual preference. That's not a secret to my friends, it is to my family, but not my friends. I've been through and hell water, and have become who I am because of it, for the good and the bad. I have dealt with many things and had to grow up a lot faster than most teenagers. I have been raising my brother for a while now because my mom is in an abusive, no good relationship where she is totally brainwashed and where the guy controls every move she makes. I do not know my father and do not care to. I would rather fix everyone elses' problems before admitting that I have one and taking about it. I don't sleep much and the sleep I do get is broken up by nightmares, that sometimes come true. (Think whatever you want about that last statement.) I am very intuitive and sometimes let that get the better of me. I am holding on to that tiny little light at the end of this long confusion tunnel I call life. I have dealt with many things that some people only see in the movies.

    I have read murder interrogations, seen police reports, called the police to report many domestic disturbances. I have seen people go through death via cancer, suicide, and murder. I have sat in court rooms, watched my mother get beat at a very young age. Have seen people get involved in drugs and alcohol, and I have seen people let sex control their lives. I have also seen so many good things. I have seen life, I have seen the good in people. I have learned to never judge anyone, EVER! And I don't, when I look at people I look in their eyes because a person's eyes are the gateway to their souls. I have seen the pain and the compassion in other people's eyes. I have seen who they truly are. I never give up at anything simply for the expierence. I have been bullied and became a better person because of it. So if I can find the shred of light at the end of the tunnel, why am I so scared?

    Well, it's a long story. Well not really long but complicated. I have gotten myself into one of the bigggest, and craziest situations of my life. Until recently I have been single. Well, that changed. I have known this girl since October. She rides my bus and we became friends nearly instantly. We have a mutual friend that had a halloween party which is when we realized that we rode the same bus. We sat by each other a lot of the time, it was fun. I won't lie best party ever, and I was always more awake after the bus rides in the morning. We hung out in school a lot more. Then in December or January I wore my winter boots and forgot to bring shoes to change into, oops. She gave me an extra pair of sneakers that were in her locker. They hurt my feet because they were three sizes to small but they worked. She had been one bad relationship after another. She took part in some risky behavior, for example bringing alcohol to school in a colored water bottle so the teachers wouldn't know. She cut herself at one point. And got high a few times. But she was well is a good person. We had been friends nothing really more.

    Then we were texting and well we got on the subject of how she just broke up with her one girlfriend and was now dating a guy that she didn't care for really at all. Then what started out as a joke turned into a conversation that ked to m having my first girl friend. Yeah, it was so excitting. I was happy she was happy. She dumped the guy she was with for me, I know this might seem fishy to some people but she broke up with him, that's impressive. We were talking and it was nothing out of the ordinary just normal conversation. Then later that night I was on FaceBook and I looked at her page, I read, "I hate being pregnent." (I know about the mispelling of pregnant that's how she had it, so I copied it.) I was thinking okay, maybe it's a joke. Then I remembered the mutual friend we share talking about something and pregnancy and my new girlfriend back in May but I thought nothing of it, rumor, that's what I thought. Then I remember asking her on the bus and she just shrugged it off. So I did think just rumor. Then I read this, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay it's time to suck up my pride and just ask her. So I did, and she's four months pregnant. Oh crap.

    She has nothing to do with the father of the baby and the father doesn't even know. Okay? I told my one friend that she was pregnant and he goes, but if she's dating you, how is she pregnant? I wanted to smack him. First of all we haven't been dating THAT long, secondly still a virgin, and third, explain how that's possible if I am in fact a girl. So he asked me why I was stressing. I can't really answer that. But at the same time I can. I can answer that the best way I know how so try and follow.

    I'm worried for her, she's fifteen, she's going into her sophmore year, and she has to deal with school, a job, and pregnancy, and before she knows it, a baby. She wants to keep the baby, at least for now, things may change. I'm worried that she's going to regret it, and beat herself up for the rest of her life like my mom has with me. I wonder how is she going to do it? Then I also get this feeling that since I'm with her I should be with the baby to. Obviousl not act like the baby is mine to, but help out as much as I can. Sacrifice two out of the four Fridays in a month so she can have fun or just get some sleep. I feel that I should I be there for her in the pregnancy, and support whatever decision she chooses to make, whether I agree with it or not. I also know that I can walk away at any time, but I don't want to walk away from her. I also know that this is a high school relationship and it might not last, however I need to make the best of it now. I also know that if I'm feeling this nervous, I have to be super considerate to her because she's probably freaked out. At the same time I have some advicee running through my head that I recieved when talking to someone about how I've been playing mom to my brother, "Sometimes it's okay to be selfish." I can't do that, I want to help her, whether it be as her girlfriend or as her friend, I want to help. I'm just scared.

    To make matter worse my family doesn't know about my sexual orientation issue, so I can't easily tell them that my girlfriend is pregnant. Double blow, as they would word it. So, yikes! I think this is the first time in a long time that I've actually been this scared...

    However my friend asked me if I was mad that she told me after we were together. And to answer that I'm not mad, I'm in shock, not mad. And knowing that she's pregnant wouldn't have changd my answer, because right now I'm in between a rock and a hard place. My heart and my brain. I hate when those two play teeter toter in my body. So let's just add this to the list of things I've dealt with, teen pregnancy.

Thursday, 02 July 2009

Saturday, 20 June 2009

  • What is the most played song on your mp3 player? Why is that your top played track?

    I don't have one favorite song but I have many I like them because they describe some aspect of me or my life, so I can relate.

    Some songs that I listen to:

    Rescue Me- Buckcherry

    Stupid Girls- Pink

    Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson

    Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer

    Whatever- Godsmack

    Pocketful of Sunshine- Natasha Bedingfield

    We're All Mad- Natasha Bedingfield

    Single- Natasha Bedingfield

    The Climb- Miley Cyrus

    As I am- Miley Cyrus

    Fighter- Christina Aguilera

    Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield

    Stumble- Natasha Bedingfield

    Peace of Me- Natasha Bedingfield

    Because You Loved Me- Celine Dion

    If Everyone Cared- Nickleback

    If Today Was Your Last Day- Nickleback

    Second Chance- Shinedown

    Find Out Who Your Friends Are- Tracy Lawrence

    If You're Gonna- Natasha Bedingfield

    Never Again- Kelly Clarkson

    Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson

    Suddenly I See- KT Tunstall

    Welcome to My Life- Simple Plan

    Can't Hold Us Down- Christina Aguilera

    Everybody- Keith Urban

    Anything But Ordinary- Avril Lavigne

    Complicated- Avril Lavigne

    Lean on Me- Michael Bolton

    Scars- Papa Roach

    Time of Your Life- Greenday

       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

  • Injustice of Love

    Okay I'm going to start this out a little awkwardly but follow me, here. Okay? My family is a very opinion based group of people. They are very homophobic and very racist. So how did they get me? I don't care about looks or people's sexual orientation. For those of you who know me or know my blog know that I've been struggling finding my own sexual orientation. I also found someone that I could talk to about it who gave me the advice to just let it play out and not worry about it, which is exactly what I've been doing. Mind you no one in my family knows about my conflict, for the very reason that they are homophobic. Even before I questioned my own sexual orientation I always supported gay marriage and them loving each other. I always have I look at homosexuals like I do every other person.

    So where am I going with this? Well I was at my cousin's thirteenth birthday party and I was at "the adult table" it was just me, my grandparents, my thirty six year old cousin and my great aunt and great uncle. So I was at a table with people that are supposed to be more mature than me, right? Well, I'll let you decide.

    My uncle for this scenario will be called R and my aunt will be called L. My grandparents will be addressed as such. And my cousin T.

    My Uncle R was talking about the VFW Post 470 Club (Veterans of Foreign Wars). He was talking about this woman Debbie. Well, R was saying about how she was a drunk and found God. Well, in his words mostly found God. I looked at him confused. I know this woman she was a major alcoholic and turned away from the bottle and turned into church. So how did she mostly find God? He said this, "I know one thing for sure I'll never receive communion from a dyke." I looked at him and my jaw dropped. I mean I think what puzzled me was that he said this just as one of my seven year old cousins walked by.

    My cousin being only seven asked "Uncle R what's a dyke?"

    His answer made me want to smack him, "A dyke is person who goes to hell because they are freaks who don't belong in society."

    I looked at him and said well more like shouted in a debating tone, "No, that's not even the right word to use a dyke is a demeaning term that is used to humiliate someone! The proper term is a homosexual or lesbian those aren't as demeaning! He's only seven what the hell is your problem?" my cousin left, "He is only seven he has enough time to make up his own opinion he doesn't need you making these decisions for him."

    He looked at me and so did my grandma. "Punky, relax, don't get worked up. And show him respect." I looked at my grandma frustrated I mean I do understand that everyone had their own opinions. I have mine and the rest of family has theirs and trust me they are very different views. I also understand that freedom of speech is for all American to use, but when is it appropriate?

    Want to know what I said? I stood up and went on my rant, "Love is something that we can't control. It's not a political or religious issue. It isn't written in black in white and those colors shouldn't define it either. Who am I or who are any of us to say that this person has to love this person and this person can't love this person because of gender? Who are any of us to define how somebody else lives?" my grandma the entire time mumbling for me to sit down and shut up. "Love isn't something that we can explain and we shouldn't try to explain it. Now I know we all have our opinions we're all entitled to them, but we don't have to make anyone else try and see it our way, and that's exactly what you just did. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean someone else has to dislike it. We are ALL free individual people and no one should judge anyone else for it." They all looked at me and I sat back down my Aunt L and my grandfather got up from the table. My cousin T just stared at me like she couldn't believe that I just stood up for my beliefs like that. My grandma looked down and shook her head. My Uncle R just sat there not angry, not sad, just blank.

    As long as I can remember my mom, grandma, grandfather, uncles, aunts, cousins have always said the same thing. "If any of our kids come home gay we'll beat the gay out of them." I never appreciated that statement ever since I knew what it meant I spoke up against it. I'm tired of being the quiet teenager who just sits there and pretend that I have their views. I DON'T!!! I have multiple friends that are homosexual or bi and you know what? I'm not supposed to talk to them. BUT I DO! They're people to, they're not any different than the heterosexuals that walk the streets. I really HATE injustice like that.

    I hate when people judge people just by their preferences. That would be like everyone hating everyone else who doesn't share the same views as they do. It's happened before in history. Hello! American Civil War is a great example of people fighting over different views. It's not worth the death, the pain, the fighting. I find it frustrating that people try to force their opinions on others by using the argument that the other side is completely wrong. Now I know some of you out there might say that I'm trying to force my opinions out there. And yes I am telling you about my opinion but do I expect you to change your views because of me? Nope not in the least. Do I expect you to at least respect my opinion? Yes. Also would I have reacted the way I did if my uncle would have just said it around the people that already have their opinions? No. But did dragging my younger cousin in it bother me? YES!

    Thoughts? Comments? I appreciate knowing what others think. Please share...

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Thursday, 04 June 2009

Monday, 01 June 2009

Sunday, 31 May 2009

  • What was the weirdest dream or nightmare you've ever had?

    Weirdest for me...where do I start? Ha! Too many to count mis amigos. Let's see. Okay.....

    It was dark. I could hear myself breathing I glanced up at the clock and it said 6:25. I figured it was a Thursday and it's five minutes before my alarm went off for school anyway. So, I woke up and got dressed. I fumbled through the dark and ripped my phone off the charger. Dead? I had it on charge all night, Ugh! I forgot to plug it in. Figures! I walked down the attic stairs into the second floor hallway. Nothing unusual. Opened the bathroom door washed my face. And got ready. Everything so vivid. The sun was coming up and the snow was on the ground. I rolled my eyes. Walked down onto the first floor. It was about ten to seven. So I turned on the weather channel 38 degrees not bad, but still really cold. Great! I sighed and let my dog outside. Yep it was cold alright. I let my dog back inside and fumbled through the living room closet for my coat. Where is it? Not there! Damn! My mother walked off with it again. So I grabbed my hoodie and headed out the door. I walked two houses down to my bus stop. Well slid down by the time I made it to the second house. I hit my head on the stop sign. That's just me for you. I stood up and there was everyone on the stop. "Have fun?" asked Dakota. "A blast!" I said back sarcastically. I got on the bus and sat there next to my friend Emily. "Hey can I use your phone to text my grandma. God forbid I don't tell her I'm on the bus." "Yeah, sure here." So I texted her. Telling her my phone was dead and I'll charge it at the office during the day. So Emily and I talked for the duration of the bus ride about how hot she thought our English teacher was. It made me laugh, because I thought he's cute too, but I wasn't telling her that.

    When the bus pulled up on the side of the school where busses drop us off. There was this weird man standing there. I had never seen him before. He had gray hair. He was sickly thin and his hands crumpled up in his gloves. Was he new? "Hey, Em, who's that?" "Who's who?" "That dude over there." "I don't know, he new?" I rolled my eyes. "Would I ask ya who he was if I knew who he was?" "I dunno." We walked off the bus and Emily waited on the walkway like she did every morning for her boyfriend. I felt this weird feeling as if someone was staring down at me. I shrugged it off. I dropped my bag. When I went to pick it up I glanced back and he's following me. He's staring at me, his eyes, coal black. I stood up and quickened my pace. I wasn't sticking around there. My mind said "RUN! DIPSHIT RUN!" So I walked as quickly as I could diving in the crowd. I thought I blended in well enough, then I remembered I had grabbed my purple, pink, and blue tie dye hoodie. I went into the Humanities Commons which is part of our cafeteria. I signed in with the school store manager Ms. McCurdy. Just like every other morning. I went up the stairs on the other side of the building that I never go up just because I didn't want to walk back over towards the doors. I handed my phone in at the office and said that it needed charged. I handed them my phone and my charger and the lady kindly said that I should come back during lunch to put it my locker. So I agreed and told her that I would come back during third lunch. I walked away. Headed towards my locker, and he was standing there.

    He was leaning up against the locker that was right next to mine. I didn't want to act as if I was intimidated by him so I took a deep breath and headed straight for my locker. I opened it and as fast as I could I ripped off the hoodie shoved my Spanish binder into my locker with the rest of my books. I grabbed my my math binder for first block, my Freshman Seminar binder for second block. My social studies binder for thrid block, and my English book and binder. I was so nervous I grabbed my lock slammed the door. Put the lock on and soon as I did that he grabbed my arm. "You dumb bitch! You don't deserve the air you were given. You have no values!" He walked away. No one noticed but I knew they seen him as he walked away they all watched him. I stood there in front of my locker dumbfounded. It reminded me so badly of what was said to me on the last day of eighth grade. Why did he do that to me? What was his problem? Who was he? I shook it off. I didn't want to cause a scene. I went to homeroom and sat next to my friend. We listened to the announcements and he was excited that it was chicken bowl for lunch. I laughed. I never ate lunch so it didn't bother me one way or the other. First block bell rang and I headed towards my math room with my amazing math teacher. I walked in, no one was there except the teacher and my friend Mandy.

    "Where is everyone?" I asked Mandy. She told me that they were all pretty much skipping. I looked at her like she was crazy. The whole class? Wow! "Well, hey I gotta go to the nurse." Mandy told me as she walked out of the door. My math teacher was at her desk. She wasn't looking at me just yet. Which really wasn't unusual she always had a lot to do in the morning because she did accounts for the school store and so she always did work in the morning. I walked over to her desk. "Ms. Hunt?"

    She looked up at me. Her eyes red against her blonde hair. "Oh my God! Are you okay?" I asked, wishing I could take those words back. Of course, she wasn't okay. I could obviously see that. "What's wrong?"

    "I screwed up, Punky, that's what happened. I screwed up!"

    "Calm down. I can help. Tell me what's wrong. What do you need me to do?"

    "Kill me! That's what I need you to do!"

    "I'm gonna do that! Now tell me what's wrong."

    "I think I screwed up! And I'm scared! I don't know who to turn to! Or what to do. Help me. I need to tell you before I explode!" I shook my head "I THINK I'M PREGNANT!" I sighed in relief that problem was manageable. "I don't know for sure. I'm scared. What will my boyfriend think?"

    "Well, he's part of this too. So you have to find out for sure. Then you have to tell him. Then you two can decide what to do from there."

    "I don't want to be alone when I find out. Will you come with me?"

    "Yes, of couse, I will." After that she told me about how it happened. The night at his cabin. She told me everything. Things I didn't need or want to hear. But I kept a sincere face not wanting her to be scared or think she had no one. Then the bell rang and she told me to stay with her. Her entire second block ditched too. Which really didn't suprise me. She kept talking to me and crying. She told me that she was so scared because she didn't want to screw up as a mother. She didn't feel she was ready. I listened to everything she said. Then third bell rang. My friend Josh from homeroom came looking for me and figured he would find me there, mainly because I did talk to Ms. Hunt a lot just not like this. She heard footsteps so she turned her head she didn't want to have anyone see her crying. "Hey. They want you in class. Come on." "I'm coming." She handed me a pass telling them where I was so I wouldn't get in trouble. "Meet me back here right after the final bell." I nodded and headed off. I walked with Josh until about halfway there. When the male social studies teacher. Stopped me he told me to follow him. Something in my gut had a really bad feeling so I objected. 

    He grabbed my arm. Looked me in the eyes and told me that if I didn't I would take my last breath by midnight. So I followed him even though my gut was screaming, "NO!" He pulled me into the faculty bathroom. Locked the door, and threw my bag on the floor. Threw me up against the wall so I started kicking and punching, clawing at his face as much as possible but sadly missed. When he couldn't pin me against the wall he threw me against a urinal and my shirt was stuck I couldn't move. He smirked. I could feel the warm blood trickle down the back of my head from where it hit the urinal. I didn't cry but I was still kicking. I knew what he was trying to do. I wanted no part of that. He had my mouth covered I couldn't call for help. I didn't cry I wouldn'g give him that satisfaction. I wouldn't.

    He undid my belt and my pants. I kept kicking I wasn't giving up. Finally he overpowered me. He had his way with me. Then he threw me on the floor he told me that if I told anyone he would kill me and my family. I didn't so much care about me at this point. I would have rather been dead. But I thought about my brother. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't. I stood up and pulled myself together. I washed the dried blood out of my hair. And he sent me into the girls bathroom. He told to tell everyone that we went to the library to look for a book and he picked me to go because I was into reading. But sadly we came up empty handed. I was confused. I went into the handicapped stall. I took my shirt off. I couldn't believe it. The bruises on my back, stomach, and shoulders were horrible. How was I going to explain this? I looked down at my leg and realized I had dried blood on the inside of pant leg. It wasn't noticeable because I was wearing dark jeans. I stumbled out of the stall. And it hit me. Shit! I was ovulating. Oh Damn! I didn't know what to do. I figured I'd worry about that later. I went to class and sat down. Acted like nothing happened just like he told me to do. The lunch bell rang and I ran up the stairs headed to my locker and throew my books in it, but kept my cell phone in the back on silent. I went to the lunchroom and a normal lunch sitting at the same table with all my friends pretending to laugh when they did. Then the bell rang and I went back for to social studies for the las half hour recapping the day.

    I felt my heart twitter as I walked with my friend Jen to English. I looked at her and told her that I had a bad day and I could feel a panic attack brewing. She told me to keep calm and she wouldn't let anything send me over the edge. We got to English and I realized that I put my stuff back in my locker. I rolled my eyes. At that point I didn't care. I have to English teachers a guy and a girl. They always would flirt even though the one is married. As the class went on things kept heating up between the two of them. Then before any of us could blink they were rolling around on the floor have naked. Having hot passionate sex in front of the entire class. It was like a trainwreck. No matter how painful it was to watch none of us could turn away. The bell rang and they stood up and put their clothes back on and we all ran out of the classroom. Well at least one thing went my way. They didn't notice that I didn't have my stuff.

    I ran to Ms. Hunt's room. I got to her room and we both ran out of the school and to her car. We pulled up in front of the drug store and I told her to get me the morning after pill while she was buying out the pregnancy tests. She looked at me and told me that she didn't want to know.

    Then that guy came back. He walked by her car and smiled at me. And just kept walking. She got back to the car and handed me the pill. I took it so fast I didn't even feel it go down. We got back to her house and she took all the tests and they came back positive. She asked me what to do and I told her to call her boyfriend. She did and he sounded happy about it. But something told me to get my cell phone out of my bag. I had it in my hand and we waited for her boyfriend in her bedroom. Oddly enough. He got there looked at her called her every name under the sunm and stabbed her three times in her heart. I called 911 and skidded the phone across the floor and tried to run. He grabbed me and without hesitation stabbed me once in my stomach. I laid there watching her die and seeing him run. I could feel the life leaving me. He had hit something major. I felt the life leave me. Then I followed the bright light against that better judgement of mine that was so cloud at that point. I looekd right into it. I was so bright but it didn't hurt to look into it.

    I looked back down and could see my body there on the ground covered in blood mine and Ms. Hunt's. I seen her take her last breath and even though I was hovering above my body I could feel the cold as I seen her last hope. I seen this abstract image of what I thought to be her. I could her whisper "sorry". I said "It's not you fault." The paramedics arrived and they timed her death. 3:45 pm. The were giving me CPR. Trying to bandadge the wound. Was I still alive? I felt the world around me get lighter and continued to follow the bright light. I heard them call my time of death 3:55 pm. I was standing back next to Ms. Hunt. I grabed her hand and we continued to float into the far off bright light.

    When I woke up. I couldn't feel my body. I felt weightless. I had trouble getting my breathing to calm down. Sadly this is only one of the weird dreams I've had. Any thoughts? Just don't think I'm crazy.

       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

  • What is the weirdest thing you have eaten?

    Picklebutter. Pickles covered in peanut butter...sounds gross tastes good...

       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Friday, 29 May 2009

Punky13dq

  • Visit Punky13dq's Xanga Site
    • Name: Punky
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/28/2006
    • True

About Me

  • I'm weird and crazy, a bit impulsive but very patient. I do what I can to help and I'm always a listening ear. I have my own problems I will admit that but I have this new found confidence in who I am and where I've been and where I'm gonna go. I come from a small town and I hate that everyone knows everyone else's business but I know I'm safe here. I just am into life....

Pulse

Webfetti.com