Thursday, 09 July 2009
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I Will Not Back Down
To start this out I know that I may not have the easiest life but I also don't have to horrible either. I'm a very secluded person and only tell a few select people that I see daily, or talk to daily, my problems. I keep to myself and express myself better in writing then in words. I have been struggling with my sexual preference. That's not a secret to my friends, it is to my family, but not my friends. I've been through and hell water, and have become who I am because of it, for the good and the bad. I have dealt with many things and had to grow up a lot faster than most teenagers. I have been raising my brother for a while now because my mom is in an abusive, no good relationship where she is totally brainwashed and where the guy controls every move she makes. I do not know my father and do not care to. I would rather fix everyone elses' problems before admitting that I have one and taking about it. I don't sleep much and the sleep I do get is broken up by nightmares, that sometimes come true. (Think whatever you want about that last statement.) I am very intuitive and sometimes let that get the better of me. I am holding on to that tiny little light at the end of this long confusion tunnel I call life. I have dealt with many things that some people only see in the movies.
I have read murder interrogations, seen police reports, called the police to report many domestic disturbances. I have seen people go through death via cancer, suicide, and murder. I have sat in court rooms, watched my mother get beat at a very young age. Have seen people get involved in drugs and alcohol, and I have seen people let sex control their lives. I have also seen so many good things. I have seen life, I have seen the good in people. I have learned to never judge anyone, EVER! And I don't, when I look at people I look in their eyes because a person's eyes are the gateway to their souls. I have seen the pain and the compassion in other people's eyes. I have seen who they truly are. I never give up at anything simply for the expierence. I have been bullied and became a better person because of it. So if I can find the shred of light at the end of the tunnel, why am I so scared?
Well, it's a long story. Well not really long but complicated. I have gotten myself into one of the bigggest, and craziest situations of my life. Until recently I have been single. Well, that changed. I have known this girl since October. She rides my bus and we became friends nearly instantly. We have a mutual friend that had a halloween party which is when we realized that we rode the same bus. We sat by each other a lot of the time, it was fun. I won't lie best party ever, and I was always more awake after the bus rides in the morning. We hung out in school a lot more. Then in December or January I wore my winter boots and forgot to bring shoes to change into, oops. She gave me an extra pair of sneakers that were in her locker. They hurt my feet because they were three sizes to small but they worked. She had been one bad relationship after another. She took part in some risky behavior, for example bringing alcohol to school in a colored water bottle so the teachers wouldn't know. She cut herself at one point. And got high a few times. But she was well is a good person. We had been friends nothing really more.
Then we were texting and well we got on the subject of how she just broke up with her one girlfriend and was now dating a guy that she didn't care for really at all. Then what started out as a joke turned into a conversation that ked to m having my first girl friend. Yeah, it was so excitting. I was happy she was happy. She dumped the guy she was with for me, I know this might seem fishy to some people but she broke up with him, that's impressive. We were talking and it was nothing out of the ordinary just normal conversation. Then later that night I was on FaceBook and I looked at her page, I read, "I hate being pregnent." (I know about the mispelling of pregnant that's how she had it, so I copied it.) I was thinking okay, maybe it's a joke. Then I remembered the mutual friend we share talking about something and pregnancy and my new girlfriend back in May but I thought nothing of it, rumor, that's what I thought. Then I remember asking her on the bus and she just shrugged it off. So I did think just rumor. Then I read this, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay it's time to suck up my pride and just ask her. So I did, and she's four months pregnant. Oh crap.
She has nothing to do with the father of the baby and the father doesn't even know. Okay? I told my one friend that she was pregnant and he goes, but if she's dating you, how is she pregnant? I wanted to smack him. First of all we haven't been dating THAT long, secondly still a virgin, and third, explain how that's possible if I am in fact a girl. So he asked me why I was stressing. I can't really answer that. But at the same time I can. I can answer that the best way I know how so try and follow.
I'm worried for her, she's fifteen, she's going into her sophmore year, and she has to deal with school, a job, and pregnancy, and before she knows it, a baby. She wants to keep the baby, at least for now, things may change. I'm worried that she's going to regret it, and beat herself up for the rest of her life like my mom has with me. I wonder how is she going to do it? Then I also get this feeling that since I'm with her I should be with the baby to. Obviousl not act like the baby is mine to, but help out as much as I can. Sacrifice two out of the four Fridays in a month so she can have fun or just get some sleep. I feel that I should I be there for her in the pregnancy, and support whatever decision she chooses to make, whether I agree with it or not. I also know that I can walk away at any time, but I don't want to walk away from her. I also know that this is a high school relationship and it might not last, however I need to make the best of it now. I also know that if I'm feeling this nervous, I have to be super considerate to her because she's probably freaked out. At the same time I have some advicee running through my head that I recieved when talking to someone about how I've been playing mom to my brother, "Sometimes it's okay to be selfish." I can't do that, I want to help her, whether it be as her girlfriend or as her friend, I want to help. I'm just scared.
To make matter worse my family doesn't know about my sexual orientation issue, so I can't easily tell them that my girlfriend is pregnant. Double blow, as they would word it. So, yikes! I think this is the first time in a long time that I've actually been this scared...
However my friend asked me if I was mad that she told me after we were together. And to answer that I'm not mad, I'm in shock, not mad. And knowing that she's pregnant wouldn't have changd my answer, because right now I'm in between a rock and a hard place. My heart and my brain. I hate when those two play teeter toter in my body. So let's just add this to the list of things I've dealt with, teen pregnancy.
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Comments (10)
You choose your friends but not your family.
As far as the situation . . . I'm sorry to hear that. Does she want the father to pay child support? It's pretty impressive - no, heroic - that you won't run away from this.
@moritheil - thank you....I'm just trying to do what I would want someone to do for me...
Well, you have taken the path and you cannot turn away. I commend you for your courage.
For now, I think it will be better if there is someone else among your/her friends that will help out. It will be very hard for you and her to handle this alone. This is what I could say.
@Murazrai - thankyou and her parents know that's she's pregnant but they don't know she's bi..so one big thing at a time i guess....
Look here man ,you are too young to waste you llife to take care of some 1 esle mistake ,even if you say you love her and she is this or that will not change the fact that she willingly gave her self to some one who she care not about and got his child ,that does not make her a bad person ,may be naiive or even stuiped which goes with the age ,@ 15 we all do things that we may laugh about later or suffer of it for the rest of our lifes ,but here what have you done to waste you life myou have not even seen any thing in life and if you will some day meet some 1 esle while you are still with here as couple then what will happen? will you just run out ,or choose to take care of her and though your own live in the drain, now i need to ask you this:
1/does she love you ?
2/do you love her?
3/are you ready to be with her ? and for how long?
4/do not you think that the feeling you have are becuase of empathy ,friendship or even just lust ?
5/ you think at the age of 15 ,you are able to make decison that will hold you for the rest of your life?
but after all love is the most important factor in any realtion ship After SEX.
6/did you have sex yet with here?
7/was it good? if not good then blieve me it is not worth it ,you will hurt her some day .
I think you are very noble to even think of taking care of her regardless to her decision ,and i respect that.
but just think that she suffered enough to have more heart break form you waiting around the corner.
@noubianfari - well to answer your questions, or a least cover the basics, I am not in love with her not yet, anyway, and whether we are still together or not I'm going to be there for her because that's what friends do. No I haven't had sex with her, still a virgin, and planning on being on until I get married. I've had to grow up very fast in my life due to a lot of surrounding factors and I don't think like a typical fifteen year old, I understand that what I am doing is risky however I know that I can handle it, am I a little scared yes, but I'm not breaking up with her just because she made a mistake.
Punky, You need to break up with this person, and take care of yourself. It sounds like you have been a chronic enabler, albeit unwittingly, for your entire life, just surrounded with dysfunctional people. The best way to take care of yourself is to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Ask Him to change your life, and put you on the path that He has for you. Here is a Bible verse: For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and to give you a future and a hope. There is no future in this dead end relationship, except grief and heart ache. Please, give it up.
@uglygreensofa - just for argument sake what if I am meant to take this path, and I am surrounded by dysfunctional people and I don't agree with a lot of their decisions and I tell them that, but with her it's different, I'm not running away because she's made a mistake, I wouldn't want my friends to run away afraid of my mistake, she has made a mistake, that doesn't mean I'm going to do the same thing. I might be lost right now, but so is she, she needs help for more reasons than one. I was her friend first and even if it doesn't work out I will still be her friend so no matter what I will be there for her...I just don't know how, but I will figure it out, even if it's just being a babysitter on Friday nights, or having someone be there for her when she gives the baby, depending on her decision I will be there whether it's as her girlfriend or as her friend. I thank yu for caring so much I really, truly do, but maybe I'm meant to help her through this, help her through what she's going through...
Punky, Have you ever flown on an airliner? They always give those boring little speeches about if the cabin loses air pressure, a mask will drop down from the ceiling. Then they tell you, if you are traveling with a child, that you should put your own mask on first. Do you know why they say that? Because if you pass out, you can't help the child next to you. You are in the same kind of a situation. Put your own mask on first. Take care of Punky. Just in your own life, you have enough issues for about 5 people. Walking away is the right thing to do now. Obviously this young woman is a very confused and troubled individual, and you do not have the resources to 'fix' her life. You would not be fixing her life; you would be enabling her to continue on her path of bad decisions.
@uglygreensofa - I'm not trying to fix her, I don't want to fix her, I'm not enabling anything but for her to get her life back on track, I shouldn't judge her from past decisions, my problem is, is that I try to help everyone and I'm confused about the situation but I don't think I can walk away, I don't think I will walk away, but I'm confused...